In relationships, you can always expect a few bumps in the road. From disagreements about where to eat to bigger issues like cheating, unexpected fights happen all the time. At the end of the day, you make up with bae and move on. But what happens with the big fights that bother you even after you’ve kissed and made up? Even though you tell your SO that you accepted their apology and have forgiven them for what they’ve done to you, sometimes you could be lying to yourself.
1. It hurts when mutual friends are hanging out with them and not you
When you’re in a relationship, sometimes your friends become their friends and vice versa. When fights happen and you’re at home dwelling on what you could have said and your boo is out with your mutual friends, it can make you feel like your friends picked him over you.
Ciara Clemons, a sophomore at the College of Charleston, says, “For me, the idea of him hanging out with people that you’re both friends with hurts you. It’s super trivial but I think it’s definitely a sign that you’re still hurt and almost a bit betrayed that your friends would pick him over you.”
If they’re good friends to the both of you, they will make time for the both of you, but sometimes friendships get confusing when relationship fights are involved. But, if you’re jealous of him for hanging out with your friends or feel like he’s doing it to spite you, it may be a discussion for the whole group to have.
2. Seeing them in person is awkward, to say the least
We’ve all had those awkward encounters with ex-friends and ex-significant others, but what about the person you’re in a relationship with? Those fun hangout sessions, dates or just running into each other on the street can be awkward post-fight or argument. If you feel yourself getting tense, not talking or find yourself way more interested in your phone than normal, maybe forgiveness hasn’t happened yet.
“I’m the type of person who only sees the good in people, so when I’m blindsided by a guy, I physically don’t want to see him,” says Emily Schmidt, a freshman at Stanford University. “If I see him walking down the street and he looks my direction, I’ll stare straight ahead. The day I can wave and smile at him is the day I know I’ve forgiven him.”
No matter how he has wronged you, try to work past the awkwardness and have fun. Forgiveness is a process and focusing on moving on through hanging out and having normal conversations can help, in some cases
3. You still get upset when you hear about them and what they’re doing
With social media and mutual friends, it can be impossible to not hear about what everyone is doing at all times. If you made peace with your SO or simply just don’t care about what they’re doing, then seeing them on your friend’s Snapchat or hearing a story about him won’t bother you.
Ashley Drayton, a graduate of Georgia State University, says, “I try to stay my distance, but if I’m constantly checking social media, or getting upset if I hear anything about him then I know whatever happened is still bothering me.”
Your SO needs to get over the argument and have their space just as much as you do. If they’re on social media having a blast with their pals and you’re at wine night obsessing over what he’s doing, then you’re not enjoying your time apart. When shit hits the fan, going your separate ways for a night or two can help you both reflect on what happened and make peace with one another.
4. You boycott the places they’re going to be
If you get food poisoning at the sushi place or if you know that your ex-friend will be at that one party everyone’s going to, you probably boycott those places. It happens to everyone: sometimes there’s those places you just will not go under any circumstance. Even a fight with your SO can result in your boycotting, but it’s not always the best way to “get over” a fight.
“I was talking to a boy in a fraternity, but he ended up being a jerk, so I’ve been refusing to go to socials that my sorority and his fraternity have, and things of that nature,” says Camila Mota, a sophomore at New Mexico State University. “I also refuse to go to any pool parties at the apartment complex he lives in.”
Boycotting him can help create space between the two of you, but it can also keep you from having fun with your friends. When it comes to parties, socials and other big events, there’ll be so many people there that you two may not even cross paths. Save the boycotting for bad hookups and ghosters, and use the tool of conversation for your bae.
Whether it’s a fight with your current SO, a hookup gone bad or an ex, forgiveness takes time. You may think you’re over a situation or a fight, but at the end of the day, you could be holding onto the resentment. If time has passed and forgiveness doesn’t seem like it’s in the cards, you may have to go back to the root of the problem or fight and see if you will actually be able to work on it in order to have a healthy, successful relationship.